adding sunshine

Something just made me smile and wonder, if I am actually just a sulking, morose human trying to disguise my blatant pessimism as a profound take on life and behaving (rather writing) as if I have seen it all and been there before them all.

Life is a lesson we all claim to learn but never really even begin to learn, I know I am pretentious at times, pretentious and ostentatious about my cynicism for life :)
but amidst all the tall words and 'I give two hoots about' attitude to life , is actually a very simple man, who just seeks contentment of heart and mind.

And the day I find it, the pinks and yellows shall blossom in my writing, after all my writing definitely does come straight from my heart ;)

rantings on a looney afternoon

I am looking for something to believe in
the gods?
the occult?
the philosophers?
the preachers?
me?
guess I need a new something to believe in


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Saw the dream yesterday again
the dream i used to see awake
came back in sleep
Saw the angel
in all its glory
and saw the beast that beat the angel
the bruised angel shall never tread
the path again
the beast will wait
with watery eyes on the path
never would this world comprehend
there were two loves
one angelic and perfect
the other beastic and cruel
but both were loves nevertheless


------------------------------------------------------------------------
can i touch it
i wonder
can it feel my touch
i wonder
is there a way to reach the unreachable
is there a way to cross the chasm between
oh dreams, re-enforce my helplessness
oh dreams, re-kindle my rancor
oh dreams, re-wind the same old dream
why do i dream so many dreams

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if only life could be lived the way you want
i would have long renounced everything
and got lost searching for myself
in some far away land
i wish there was peace
i wish i was content
i wish i was a saint
i wish i was lucky
i wish i was a savant
i wish i was a stoic
i wish i was heartless
i wish..

......__.......

Time flies away, it was almost 15 months ago that I started to scribble down my thoughts, it was a means to let out a lot of things that till then had been confined within and also it was a certain 'growing up' I observed in my own thoughts and feelings, I felt at ease with myself, was finally not expecting/judging/questioning myself endlessly.
That I feel was an outcome of me getting drawn more and more into nature and its beauty. I suddenly found that while I was roaming alone somewhere, instead of feeling alone or morose, an inner me was feeling joyous, thoughtful and relaxed. This I guess triggered me to write, after a few months of sribbling on paper, I was afraid that all the things I was thinking , feeling and trying to put into words would get lost with time. So the next thing was to put up a blog and transfer my thoughts here, however still the blog was more of a personal diary, out of bounds for anyone, not to be shared, not to be discussed. Over the last year, every once in a while I wrote something or the other here.
Now, as I read my own posts, I am touched just by knowing and being reminded of what I felt at a particular moment an year ago in my life. Needless to say it also reminds of physical things that triggered the thoughts in the first place.
This blog shall remain personal always, but ya I think I would share it with some now, people who know me well and would not judge or form opinions about it, because that is the whole objective of this blog, a personal scrap board of thoughts, neither to be judged nor to be made fun of, neither a life's story nor a frustration release valve, neither reflecting actual incidences nor factual in any way.Its just imagination and feelings at play, as sudden and experiential as say a sudden breeze, when you are basking in the yellow sun on a cold winter morning.

warm sparkle

Amidst the mediocrity of everyday life, there are some people who so touch you by an un-obvious sparkle that for a few moments as you bask in the brilliance of their light; the beauty of life itself becomes apparent. Even if for a moment, but the glimpse of this beauty, converts one into a believer.

Since this is such an effervescent experience, before we know, the traces of such moments disappear and only an after glow lingers.
Sometimes the aftermath of such an encounter/experience is complete despondence, a feeling of never being able to feel that warm sparkle again, of knowing that life is forever a drudgery and sometimes it is Utopian optimism, making us believe that in this maze of life, you can once again without warning encounter that warm sparkle, maybe in a different form, but again.

And so often, it is this mystery of life, these unknown possibilities, this experiential upliftment into a realm where you for once believe in the ultimate ethereal beauty of life, that is the ambrosia of our soul.

So is this warm sparkle really a person specific experience, to me the warm sparkle transcends individuals, it is a feeling which theoretically may be experienced upon meeting any person any time. Though in life as we know it, these warm sparkles happen precious few times, may be once, twice or may be never. May be it happened already, may be its around the corner, maybe its happening right now, this I guess is the eternal mystery and the edge of life.

even as the moonlight sleeps on the leaves of trees
and the languid wind caresses the dark night;
i am lost in the light of a warm sparkle
that comes through my memory;
the heart is blithe & the thoughts are warm
i marvel about this road of life
full of wonders and sights;
like a mystic in search of the unknown
as i walk down i know;
some where again i will find
on a turn unbeknownst ;
that warm sparkle again

time's i want to fly away

some evenings, as i twiddle my thumbs
in the yellow black cab
the sun, it takes a one last yawn
before settling to sleep in the sea of clouds
for a moment the world turns red and the wind picks up
and I want to spread my arms and fly away

years ago, when the train rumbled on in the coal black night
with me standing, on the door ajar
some times it would come, a lonely river
in midst of the grumble of bridge meeting its old friend train
the river it would smile on me, with moonlit eyes
in those moments of eternal peace
I wanted to spread my arms and fly away

Some nights alone
when I watch for stars
and a distant crooning rings in my ears
its gilmour wondering 'do they still meet there by the cut'
I just want to spread my arms and fly away

No.. not this time either

do i smile once more on your naivety my dream
or do i grimace at this melancholy

do i stare unblinking into the sun
or do i pretend its the moon instead

do i look into your eyes deep and accept how near yet how far
or do i just close my eyes and dream on

do i let myself feel the warmth of your presence
or do i let the cold of life make me shiver

all imaginary questions i know, my oasis
but you won't ever know how it feels
these endless years in the desert
only to find my oasis was just a mirage

confessions

even though in my waking hours I will always deny, I know I am ashamed of how old how soon I have become.
I hide , I lie  and I do it so many times , that the lie becomes a truth to me. Sweet lord, I wish a honest life I could lead, a truthful tale that I could tell , and not become a man who fears the image in his mirror. Alas I become the same each passing day.

saying without words

serenity..i saw you

..roads to nowhere lead to me

may be this time

this evening i felt the breeze
i saw the beauty of the setting sun
i saw the world in its orange light
i felt the warmth of my own true smile

i stood still and my heart orbited the distant moon
fluttering its wings & gliding into the greying blue sky

i saw myself beside the road
without a care for the rushing world
a glint in the eye and arms open wide
smiling back at me, for no reason or rhyme

i felt the moments come and stop
each second was a lifetimes worth
as the sky grew dark
i saw the sun moon and stars

frozen in time i fear the thaw
sure as winter follows the summer
so will these moments soon go by
like sand it slips from my very hand
can i not hold on to a single grain?

or maybe this time
oh maybe this time

ode to an oasis

This poison i drink
like sweet wine
a half promise
more than half sometimes
...stranger i thank your lonely glance

neither is this about finding nor is it about loosing, just a fragrant breeze in life. This oasis i stumble upon, as my parched eyes begin to droop from the weight of those infinite, endless, ravenous searches; across the horizon, for that far away dreamed of verdant land.
an ode i struggle to write for my beautiful oasis, for words they fail to describe the sight that beholds the vagabond's eye.
another crossroad in life, another bend on the road uphill, which makes me want to stay forever in its virginal warmth.

soak in the moments while they last
no desire, no despair, no longing, no greed
just the thirsty me & my serendipitous oasis

A close observation of my own reactions to people/situations has revealed that I am growing up, little by little every day.

another year bites the dust

Its that time of the year again, the time when the usual resolutions are to be made, the time when they roll the calender by one. Each year this time comes and then follows a long series of highs and lows, of laughs and sighs... and the new year simply seems to be a punctuation in this series of series. A punctuation mankind would like us to believe is a full stop(or rather an exclamation mark really, looking at the hype ) and then a fresh paragraph would begin. But is it really punctuation? I don't think so, in life's script there ain't any punctuations only an endless nothing, much like plotting a sinusoidal wave in vacuum. You can plot its one cycle or plot it to infinity, there will only be one pattern and endless repetition of that one pattern.
So stop celebrating new years, cause there ain't anything 'new' coming really, all you are doing is helping smart marketeers furtively pull out bills from your wallet, all in the name of this 'farcical new'!

tale about a tale

The last time I sat to write in the middle of the day was in the december of last year. Typically I always tend to do this when I am kind of flustered, not necessarily in a bad way though. Today, my heart seems to be shifting inside, one moment here the other there, happily chugging along, as if singing to a tune in its ears.
It is a good feeling, 'cause days like these for one, dont come to often do they?

Every emotion we experience seems to be a deja vu, events in life keep changing there faces but the feelings(which are a reaction to life's events)keep repeating. Aint then this life and each small thing that makes up this life actually just a circle, each time around the circle you see new things, but the underlying remains the same.
Life keeps coming in full circles in every aspect, together life is nothing but an endless ring of these circles, each at its own degree of completing its circle and in the process overlapping here and then there. In this complex labyrinth of rotating circles of all the spheres of ones life are we, lost somewhere trying to make sense of all that is coming in a moment and passing in a moment too. A moment passes and then its nowhere to be found again, all that is left behind is a tale.

Aint life itself a tale, we talk about experiences of past as if they are forever a part of our being, but somehow the only truth seems to be the effervescence of this life, a moment comes and goes and all that is left behind is a tale, nothing tangible. Nothing is a part of us, this life, my life, your life, everyones life is just a tale and progressively with each passing moment it will continue to be a tale.

The future is always only a second away from becoming a tale, and still we struggle, we plan, we strive for future, the present is going..going and ya becoming just a tale.
Oh how much i dream, i work, i plan ..when all this life is going to leave behind is a tale.

A blah question

What if I tell you, that I love you?

Would it break your heart, or make you furious?

when words can feel just right

sometimes the faucet of creativity is so switched off, that even though you feel like saying so much, the words and means to express the myriad emotions welling up inside is next to impossible. I sat down to write , but the flow of thoughts today is like being stuck in mumbai traffic, you are desperate to make progress but the entire surroundings are so chaotic that you hardly move an inch in an hour! today my mind seems to be in one such traffic jam of thoughts..
I have always found solace in others writings when my own are hard to come by..so i just start googling randomnly, trying to find some long forgotten musings i faintly remember having read at some point of time..well this one..i heard i guess long back..the song has got just the zing which appeals to me no matter how many, when and in what mood i listen to it..thats in a large part because of the guitar work and psychedelic feel this song carries..but neverthless what is a good tune without lyrics to match..

Last night your shadow fell upon my lonely room
I touched your golden hair and tasted your perfume
Your eyes were filled with love the way they used to be
Your gentle hand reached out to comfort me
Then came the dawn
And you were gone
You were gone, gone, gone
I had too much to dream last night
Too much to dream
I'm not ready to face the light
I had too much to dream
Last night

The room was empty as I staggered from my bed
I could not bear the image racing through my head
You were so real that I could feel your eagerness
And when you raised your lips for me to kiss
Came the dawn
And you were gone

Oh, too much to dream
Too much to dream last night

'too much to dream last night' what an awesome line..so singularly honest, funny and addictive.. all at the same time..

and then i stumble upon this absolute gem of artistic work..'raven'..edgar allen poe's pen pours out an imagery so profound, that i have always been able to 'see' a haggard man in a dimly lit room..struggling to keep sane and fighting the demons of his memories..a fight which is so full of paranoia and symbolism..that no lesser a soul than poe could hav put it into words..'never more'! the way this 'long' poem enfolds its story and you begin to see the darkness in which the narrator is caught.. that it almost leaves the feel of a cold hand on your heart when it ends by saying..

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

i had the opinion of lewis caroll being a writer of children fantasies, until i rediscovered an altogether different perspective of his writings..an extremely profound, poignant and imagery inducing blend of verses, which would mean differently to whoever happens to read..

A Boat beneath a sunny sky,
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July --

Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear --

Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die:
Autumn frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.

Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.

In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream --
Lingering in the golden dream --
Life, what is it but a dream?

isnt it almost like a lullaby..lying alone on a lonely boat, rocking slowly on a sleepy brook , even as the evening closes in and you feel the chill of the cold wind..and think about life..i only wish i also had the gift to put those fleeting feelings into words so beautifully..

flying

I am the master of unbelievable, last night I dreamt a strange dream, I was hanging in the air with only two hair worth of rope over a chasm of a deep gorge below me, I decided to choose my options, one being to try and hang on as long as possible , the other being calling for help and the third being just let go of the rope.
Options they hardly were, the choice was natural,I let go

As I flew down towards the chasm below, arms flaying, eyes open and lips smiling; many metaphysical questions came to my mind.

What was it that awaited me just around the corner, what was it I was running away from and what was it that I was running towards. Was it the end or just the beginning to an endless new? Then I started to wonder why I lived a lifetime being scared of the end when the end it self was not an end, but just a beginning, was it the fear of the unknown or was it just that I like the things on the same side, which ironically was becoming the other side every second that I descended further.

I started thinking what was it that I wished I had already done? I heard my heart respond I wish I had learned to fly.

But was it because my logical and analytic mind was telling me that if you knew how to fly you would infact already be flying and the rope and the metaphysical cliff from which I was hanging precariously a short time ago, would have all been just an illusion.

Talking of illusions I never really could understand the word illusion. Is not every thing an illusion?

Well so be it then, coming back to my wish to fly, the moment I thought of if only I could fly, my hands twitched and started flapping as if some neuron motor impulse had ticked them off and then I was flying, the first thing I wanted to do was to flap and fly towards the sky but some invisible force kept pulling me down ,down into the chasm, even as I began to understand that how my wildest wish wasn’t wild enough, I longed to fly ; assuming I would fly high and wide, guess the dreams also wont let you dream fully, reality kicks in, even in flying I can only fly low.

Reality kicks, kicks you in the shins

purple rain

purple rain from the grey clouds
i sit beneath a lonely tree
the rain seeps through, as the leaves bleed
i am thinking of things gone by today
wondering about would have beens
and those moments of bliss, that were once mine
eyes i see those eyes

empty streets and the freezing breeze
i walk around looking for familiar signs
in a town of ghosts today, I am stranded again
the silence keeps whispering in my ears
haunted still just passing the years
voice i hear that empty voice

a lonely stream bursting on its seams
and this lonely rickety bridge
a skinny dip in this freezing stream, i take
yeah it stings, guess i am still alive
feel it i feel that fleeting warm touch again

its night again and I cant see a thing
just this howling wind, chilling to bones
and the howls of some far away beasts
prowling the inviting bush
the darkness engulfs the soul, once again
then I see it, a shining bright light from afar
a moments flicker, and then gone like you

the cold cold dawn, i am yet to take a yawn
staring blank into the grey snow
its time before the thaw will come
the faint smile, feels like my lips wont move
i know, i know the truth
i lost my way again, in the heart's bylanes long abandoned

My boat set free

Soaring eagles, an unstrung guitar, a few nickels left orphaned on the run down wall and the gloating playful sea; the deep blue blue and the usual lonely blue.

Watching for the stars in the shining blue sky; wishing for showers on the damp yet parched soul.

For the soul has long lost its sole and in that azure sky there is a crazy big hole.

Ah, just a usual day in life, alone I stand and watch a lonely boat in the sea, no anchor, no captain, no key, no one to steer, no lighthouse gleaming along the way.

Bubble and tumble & then stumble and grumble alone on the waves.

There I stood and wondered how it must feel, and the boat it caught my glimpse, and like a coquettish princess she thumbed her nose and said, oh pathetic you, standing afar, scared stiff, living a lie and all along pretending to enjoy the view, just peep inside , oh you are so jealous of me!

For Me, I tumble and bumble on my own, no destination to hurry, no one left behind to worry, nothing to miss, just this caressing ocean to kiss, drown I will but only once, but you standing safe on the shore, pray how many times have you already drowned?

You presumptuous little boat I hollered; words dripping with sarcasm, like saliva from a glutton dog’s jaw; can’t you see I am not a worthless vagabond like you.

I got a plan and places to go. Not like you crazy boat, floating aimless but still cant stop to gloat. Hah you wont even know, which innocent wave, will take you to your watery grave. Or worse still when a smiling current, would carry you to sunless skies, where angry clouds and merciless winds will thrash you around. All battered and tattered you will fall apart bit by bit until you sink. And then you little boat would long for the safety of the shore and wail why you dint anchor on this sunny shore!

The little boat it smiled at my spite and gave me a knowing little wink and then she whispered ah so you say, but I can see, so clear the thing you hide within your breast, all tied and tethered a lonely boat.

Rotting in the weeds and getting slowly eaten away, crying for freedom and redemption, eyeing with hunger and eternal longing the ever mysterious sea. Ah I see you got it tied but how will you ever tie its spirit, which every day cooks a plot to break free from the rot. You just turn deaf to its hoot of distress, and its call for a savior to liberate it from the endless still.

Huh stupid boat, can’t you see I retort, if I untangle the boat and set it sail, it will surely drown or get lost in the endless sea and become just a vagabond like you.

The little boat on the sea shrugged and sighed, said well so be it my friend, I guess then you will just stand and gape at the sea and me, well you know, do not despair ‘cause most men are just born to stare!

Even as it drifted away, I heard it loud and clear, the boat in my heart cried out in despair, just let me loose and drift away on the arms of the calling sea. I snapped it’s not me who holds you so, cant you see it’s the weeds and stems. A monstrous laugh it laughed the little boat in my heart, call them under bushes if you will, but I can see them for what they are, for once I can see through you, oh how you dread the unknown blue.

Let go of the icy fear my friend, it plead and see how we conquer the merciless sea and incredible lands we are going to see and yeah someday drown we will, but in peace, knowing that as free souls we always lived. Let go, just let go and you will know how it feels to have your boat set free.

Phantoms, Sleeplessness, Ashes

Zurich.00:35am, on a rather usual and unusual monday night.
Just finished a movie I wish I hadnt wasted any time upon. Have opened my window to let the cold freezing breeze flow in, I am kind of sweating for an inexplicable reason.
Phantoms and sleeplessness, are so entwined, as lovers in a deathly embrace seconds before consummation.The question as ever remains is it the phantoms that chase me or am I doing the chasing. But today is not a day to delve into that.

I saw a lonely horse once, smoking a cigar sitting on a man of some years and riding away to glory. Then the other time is was a famished thin really thin rhino being chased on the streets by a man with one horn, right between the nose and the upper lip. I call these phantoms.
Often when I lay down on my back and wait for the sleep to come, I see or rather feel these phantoms. Sometimes they kind of disturb me, today is one such day.

What is it that my metaphysical sense communicates through these vivid pictographs. Is it that they carry a meaning in the womb or are they just another bastard child of an over conscious but hitherto restless mind.
I thought about the rhino phantom, well a rhino being chased by a horn, makes sense, cause I have often been a victim to my own inherent strenght. but why the famished rhino, I wonder. I guess it is about loosing your inner strenght and then finding a ravenous part of my ownself running for dear life by demons who scare it by visions of its own uniqueness.

Do i sound incoherent? Well somehow I have always found my lucidness of expression and ideas, disappearing when I indulge in a soliloquy.

Sleepless, I am often enough to call my self an irregular insomniac. Self indulgence and a few smokes and my eyes wouldn't just catch a blink into the early hours of the morning.
Ashes, well thats the one which binds the phantoms and the sleeplessness together, from the ashes of many dreams arise the phantoms of my sleepy conscience, the hurts and the unknown would have beens, conjure a strange cocktail of these logic less visions, making my mind a vaudeville slave and my heart the fluttering wings of a dying cricket.
I have no particular end in mind today, I just want to ramble on for a page, hoping that inbetween these senseless lines, somewhere I will stumble upon my enstranged lover and she will like old times,take me in her arms and carry me to the morning.
Alas, I dint find her,even in that shamelessly metaphorical and elaborate a sentence!

Continuing the incoherent flow of my thoughts, I want to talk about a nice little leaf I met today, I was as usual strolling alone on the streets, trampling the melting snow and deriving an unknown pleasure seeing something so white turning all muddy, when across it came.
It was quite the usual leaf, with a brown complexion and twisted back, being blown away by the picking wind. and then it came and just stuck it self on my chest, and said lonely stranger, why do you look so frustrated and morose, you think you got the short end of the stick? Well here I am flying uncontrolled, driven by this crazy wind who kicks me around so much, and still I am happy.
Well I said being blown around aint my idea of happiness, flying is good but being blown around, eh! I hate the thought of being driven by an all conquering hand, I only steer the courses I choose.
The leaf looked deep into my eyes and said well you know the small river under the bridge, it thinks it chooses its course too. The leave winked,just as the wind came and blew it over and so happily it soared on the coarse thrust of the sullen wind , while leaving it laughed and said, you know what you need, go down the square and fix yourself in the usual dark corner of that dingy bar and quietly down your crazy blues.

Brook and the valley gorgeous

Up in the lonely woods there is a dreary creek, where not a bird would ever sing, between the mountains oh so high and mighty, crashing on the heartless rocks, tumbling on a road to nowhere is me, just a small little brook.

I am a spectacle for some, trying to capture a moment in their lives and squeezing me between their cheery smiles, for them I care not, cause many shall come and gaze from afar and be so joyous just to see me twist and turn, shout in pain at the thrashing rocks and then just flow on.

But who am I? An endless beginning, to a vagabond journey. Why is it that I flow so, the mountains stand still and mock at me, the trees they never move an inch, but me I am just tumbling on. Why this endless churn, what is it I am trying to chase, where is it I want to go, whose shadow is it I try to catch only to find it another step ahead.

Once I met a wise old fish, she said oh little brook, why cant you see, you are just meant to flow. While parting she whispered about a thing she said she hate, it was called fate. Next day I slowed to catch my breath and there I met this drooping tree, while he joked how he trashed me dirty with his rotting leaves. I asked him what is fate, the tree grimaced and said to me it’s the chimera we conjure to give solace for what we can not accept. So I learnt that day that fate was all a lie, a falsehood that could never explain, why I had to flow on so. Some say I flow because the mountains are high and the valleys low and its called science. Well I say to hell with them, why should I flow because of them.

So you see, me little brook I know, destiny or science they don’t make me flow.

I flow for a reason, a reason I got to know.

Some time back I fell down a rather steep cliff, all in shock and spinning head, I felt a strange nothingness. Nausea of irrepressible churn burst through my heart, like that wolf I saw, dive on the hapless rabbit under the bush. Hate, love, pain and longing I never felt them all at once before, but ever since the sudden treachery of that pristine meadow made me fall, I lost the trust I had in the earth below. Well I know, most would say have trust in sky above, but me I see no one in the sky, this earth I feel and touch day & night, I had a trust in it but now it is gone.

All frothing and spewing I emerged from this fall and for once I saw the treachery of it all. I flow because I am made to flow, oh how I loved that mountain top, I would have stayed for ever more, but for this endless flow. I thought the mountain knew I had to flow and it would come along with me. But one thing I learned being a brook in this world, alone and alone is how you always move.

Once I thought, what are the maladies that trouble me so, interminable movement, restless soul and a brainless heart! Of them all, I know the worst, is the brainless heart.

I wish my brooky heart had a brain; which would put some sense, in now so gloomy and now a spring in the step, this meandering heart of mine. Oh stone hearted mountain and the misty meadow, how I long to be with you, but me I am just a brook, a fleeting someone, one moment I shine and then I am all gone. Will you even remember the small brook, who so touched and caressed you all, while you slammed and twisted and threw me around.

Strange are the ways of this world and stranger still that I got to flow, endless, endless, endless I flow. I know there is a reason for me, will I ever find that key, and will I ever see through the dark , when my soul will rest at last.

Ah no more of this ranting brook, for here it comes, it seems she beckons me with open arms, oh my valley gorgeous, if only you will let the small brook stay.