It ain't that

Turning around the bend, in search of the lost little something, he could no longer remember, the reason for setting out. Was it the wasted lucidity of an average mind, trying to feel its way through the dense fogs all around or was there this another bend in the road. For they all seemed the same now, these bends, the ability to appreciate any obviously differentiating views, across  the innumerable bends encountered in this long winding journey, was long lost, like many other of his eccentricities.

Not knowing, and knowingly not knowing, are all subtle arts you learn on such twisting and turning roads, navigating the obviously endless journey pretending to be looking for destinations.

As he drank handfuls of water from the stream, water as if trying to get away from him quickly; greedily splashing and swooping, pretending as if, the thirst inside did need any quenching.
A knowing smile, playing on the corner of his lips, as his mind tried, for the umpteenth time, to pretend it knew not what was in that heart.

These small wild flowers and those green young leaves, those rays of sun shimmering like diamond pebbles on the drenched world all around, wouldn't any journey find its destination at a place like this? he pretended to ponder. Another something turns evanescent before it neared, stony eyed he watched, and then suddenly pretended to be distracted by the itch, in his many days old stubble.

Walking long and lonesome, weed ridden paths in the midst of waltzing pines, shivering from the breeze in the luke warm sun, knowing all along, but pretending, may be, turning around the coming bend will lead to the something long seek'd? for he reasoned, every journey must have a reason, why would a sane man wander so else?
Knowing, but pretending, not to see, the wanderlust twinkling, in the browns of his betraying eyes, staring and mocking , as he waded through another rolling stream, searching for those rounded stones that tumble along the river bed.

Turning again ah another bend, on the seldom trodden, forgotten and winding little road, yet pretending as if  in search of a lost little something, knowing well, he could no longer remember the reason for setting out.

This heart, that mind,
eyes and mirage of a destination,
a little hungry and a little too full,
a little lost and somewhat knowing,
a little believing and a little agnostic,
a little eager and a little scared,
a little enamored and a little unsure,
I stare at the door in the middle of the forest,
trying to guess if an exit or an entrance,
and find myself rooting for an entrance.

Finally

One step at a time, the old man said, but that will take an eternity to climb, the young man said. And so they stared into each others eyes, one full of defiance, secure in the infallibility of self, the other wizened, mildly amused but poignant at the callousness of youth.

And so this story began, only to repeat itself, over and over, and over again, till with time both their eyes they reflected exasperation. The young man's stemming from an endless inability to reach the next plus one and the old man's at other's reluctance to give up and take it one at a time.

Days lost themselves in the crowds of weeks and the weeks they lost themselves in the teaming crowds of the years. The sun would shine bored through its days and the moon would spread an indifferent silver in its nights, the wind it wouldn't flutter a single leave and the sullen trees they drooped all the way to the ground. But the duel of youth and age, raged endless, the youth realizing, every now and then, that the youth was passing and the age realizing, long before I aged, I was youth.

And so this battle, it rages, though sometimes I see the truth, youth and age, the twain is  irreversibly heading to meet the another.

Just a flag post for one step at a time, gonna make it two the next time around (ah the eternal youth)!

so long, so little

Worn out thin sling, of a dusty old bag,
around the shoulder of the weather beaten weary man,
a traveler, a seeker, a vagabond maybe

youth, all dusted over, by the quiet falling of his passing years;

he remembered how he kept all memories sweet & sour like pebbles in its deep creases;

as he walked down, on the long winding road;

it had read 'life' and 'one way' on that street sign where this journey began,
and what a long one way did it turn out,
sometimes dusty, sometimes green,
somedays cloudy, somedays bright
somedays lonely and nights long
sometimes lost and many times sure;

and the pebbles they piled,
the bag got heavy with every mile
and he felt more wise with every added ounce;

'I must catch up on my memory treasure, need to feel some pride on my journey yet' he thought
drowsy fingers dug deep into the dusty worn bag,

digging for treasures unknown in its creases,
like an expectant child reaching into a may be not empty cookie jar;

'ah what will I find in the sweet memory bag?'

nothing! alas its only empty fingers that came back
why he exclaimed!, and before the question could leave his parched lips,
a knowing smile played on those very lips,
for sometimes there are answers we know, which do not reveal  themselves until the right question is asked.

the memory bag is empty, cause though we feel, we keep them memories like pebbles,
to be possessed forever, a general's epaulette as if,  shimmering with medals,
but all we have and all we carry is only their weight.

rekindling desires, that road

Something nudged me towards a path long forgotten
hidden behind so many leaves of long entwined webs of undisturbed branches
dew drops strewn on the ankle high grass
a few little wild flowers with a sympathetic, all knowing smile on their lips
the white mist hanging, heavy with sweet smells of lingering hopes

I gather my soul on a leash lest it gambol down blind along the path, mesmerized and expectant;
the path forsaken, forgotten, dark green, deep, un-trodden, untrue;
ah it beckons me so,  tugs- my heart, my mind,
to trample, with tender tentative steps, the green beds of grass,
to walk in search and to walk to the endless end,
the end I have never known , but have desired ,ever since desire I have known;
leaving behind my cross of indecision, the scars of the unrequited and dread of loosing much and finding none in the unforgiving woods;
oh how my soul coos, to walk for once,tender and pure, guileless and true
that untrodden road, that path of the blessed

this morning

Couldn't find a reason to spring out of bed this morning,

couldn't hear the chirping of birds calling out another new dawn;

couldn't see through the window blinds, the nubile rays of the morning sun shine,

couldn't feel the sleep drugged mind, letting out its playful sigh at my soul's smile;

Woke up to find the winter closing all around, the morning chill in the air, much like the one within.

Prelude: Dew drops and dreams

As the man with a scar on the left side of his face, looked back down the dark alley, a salute more to habit than fear of any dark shadows following, he could no longer remember if that was a summer of love or a summer of hate. Not that under the bright shining sun the answer mattered any more, but the man never seemed to run out of amazement at another umpteenth realization that his opinions, interpretations and most of all his character had changed a little every time he checked back.

With a smirk playing on corners of his lips, the man turned his back to the alley and faced the sun; in the manner that he did this simple thing, there seemed to be a certain finality, a certain irreversible end.

The sun rays burned down the scar and rays seemed to jump all around reflecting from the jagged edges. As was his wont, the man ran the index of his right hand slowly down  the edge of his scar, the simple act seemed to enlarge the smirk on his lips. 

There is a certain magnetism, that has its genesis, in paying the dues for one's karma; the anonymous man seemed to possess plenty of it. Most men get worn out by the burden of this magnetism but not him or maybe the facade was too real to fool most casual onlookers.

The man sat down on the small parapet by the road, looking far into the hidden ends of the shimmering lake, his poise would have suggested a man deep in meditation with eyes glassed and fixed on a certain unknown hidden somewhere far beyond. 

Sitting by the shimmering lake, the man knew that it was time to begin, not necessarily at the beginning, but begin he must; to recount the tales, of the faraway lands, of forbidden canyons in his mind and the endless green meadows in his heart. 

To tell the tales of adventure and long boredom, of valor and abject surrender, of faith and betrayal, of hope and despair, of the things he knew and the things he thought he knew, of the things he  forgot and the things he wished he could forget.

Sitting motionless on that sunlit morning, as the wind picked up across the surface of the lake and tousled his hair, he knew that even though his journey had ended, a voyage had just begun, a voyage of self acknowledgement, of pearls found while rolling over nasty waves, a voyage of dreams, some fulfilled, some unfulfilled, some just standing by a corner with a smile on their lips, happy that there time was about to come.

Alice: Now, Kitty, let's consider who it was that dreamed it all

It was just another day, the kind of days we come across often but can still recall very seldom. The sun had begun its daily struggle of traversing the muggy cloud filled skies, only to get time and again eclipsed by the very clouds it was so hoping to avoid. 

Sweat was making its slow but sure journey to percolate and form a dark patch on the back; while twisting inside my clothes to escape the  sticky wetness; in a blink of an eye, I found myself  lost in the byzantine memory lanes of dreams.

A stranger in an unforgiving, sweltering, sun beaten town; walking down the anonymous stone cobbled pathways . His skin long turned the color of mud, baked & etched layer on layer on his face, the stranger looked tired and haggled; only the vitality of his eyes betrayed the exuberance of his spirit trapped in an exhausted, beaten and emaciated body.

A kind heart gave the weary traveler some water; ' and what makes you wander so?' he asked.

The stranger, glass eyes fixed on a faraway horizon, replied in only half a whisper

a something that hides sometimes in my eyes,

a something that I can only see from the corner of my eyes,

a something that runs and hides each time  it's seeked,

a something that makes me dream all night long,

a something I have never known,

a something that tantalizes me onto an endless quest,

a something abstruse, taciturn and unwilling to reveal,

unbeknownst to self I chase, 

a fading yet clear, distant yet near,

a chimera maybe or maybe a mirage,

destination unknown and thirst unquenched,

like a piper's mouse I chase, deep shadow's of my soul

conjurer

And I pick up a pen, on reflex, grab a sheet and there we go. Incredulous, as the sheer stupidity returns. Second to none in building chimera's for my own consumption, I can build an image of utter nonchalance, of sheer bravado, of disappointment, of dejected solitude, of exhilarating joy, of magical love and in a matter of minutes or sometimes hours I start mirroring the chimera and living in it.

across the white flake vapors of the clouds

a weightless soul was floating

agape wide eyed at the bright sunlight

the clear blue skies melting

a little child encumbered forever in a grown man's cloak

lost in a mist

through the misty clouds across the hill

someone called me by my name

wandering through the moist green grass

someone tugged me on to an unknown far

cold hands tucked and collar raised

I walk on lost through the white walls

did someone call me by my name?

brushing past the dripping wet branches 

someone tapped me on the shoulder

turning around in the cold damp breeze

a dew drop shower all over me

dint someone call me by my name?

there is a certain magic in my love

for the hill and the rolling woods

for slumber filled days spent by a brook

for the pleasures of the evanescent sun

in the whistling melodies of the winds

there is a certain magic in my love

for long lost days under open skies

for endless strolls on a mountain high

for staring endless

in my transient glittering sky of dreams

or did someone call me by my name?

sun drenched springs

I dont want to know another word about life
and I dont want to know another word about love

I dont need to see another one of the crazed
to know that life is'nt fair

I am following the trails of my heart
tracking the baby steps in the moist green grass

I dont need another sign board to heaven
to reach the resting lands of soul

I am no longer calling angels on their cell
and I dont need no waiting anymore

I am set out on journeys again
and I need no destinations at the end

I dumped prudence at a curb and jumped the signal of penance
I am chasing horizons with abundant elan

I got no use for restive's, rebel's or inflated bubble head's
I am searching lost simpletons in their carefree worlds

I dont need no measures for the miles gone by
and I need no Frost and his miles to go

I dont need full stops to signal the breaks
my tales have begun and shall never end

I am drowning deep in eternal sun drenched springs
with a subtle ghost smile on my lips

mind-ing innanity

Things inconsequential to our existence seem to occupy more of our time and efforts, than the ones that matter. For example, it is strange how sitting every day in front of a laptop to create documents and presentations, speaking to strangers, listening to annoying bosses and doing myriad small activties running from one desk to another; could by any strech of imagination help you attain nirvana.

I woke up one morning to find a strange apparition, a head of a long horned deer staring me right in the eye. As I slapped the bastard for having tried to scare me with such antics and threw it out of the window; the thought as to how when and why was the said bastard was even there in my room, that fine morning, never occured to me. Though given the myriad complexities, such as, taking a cab from its forest, figuring out where I lived and then entering through glass panes & iron grills and after all that hard work just sitting staring at a sleeping man; should have ideally got me thinking. But then I stopped living in an ideally a while back.

There is a certain amount of incredulity I must attach to my brains capability of not reacting to insanity.Though it never misses a chance to react insanely to innanities, a case in point is the sudden motor impulse of shouting vulgarities, sitting inside a windows all rolled up car, when a motorist behind me started visualizing the horn of his vehicle as the boob of his keep. While I abused the vulgar buffoon to my heart's content my mind never even gave a blip of recognition of that utter insanity. It failed to reason that how can you stop someone, doing the dreary job of driving, from the sudden lasivious urge to hump anatomical areas, based on one's pre-delictions, and taking it out on the hapless horn? Guess now we know where 'horny' came from, but that ofcourse is neither here nor there; so even as insanities go unnoticed & unchecked, my mind neverthless seems to mind every other small digression of thoughts, dreams or actions I seem to take. Like why did I press a door bell with my left forefinger and not the right.  While I routinely jostle with this strange choice of my mind in terms of things to flag and not to flag; I wonder if this perpetual wrestling is a localized one human phenomenon or a more dispersed multiple people disorder.

I often say (mostly to myself) that the beauty of a mind lies in its ability to interpret the innane, but by that yardstick too I myself seem to flounder; since I can hardly interpret or subscribe any background to this act of writing right now. May be its the five hour sleep I could manage last night, may be in the diffused sleepy vision from my eyes, I am seeing a strangley chimeric though true feature of my mind or may be it is another innanity my mind is focusing on.

languid nights and an empty mind

these starry eyes in the pitch black nights

soul's ambrosia in these winds

oh how i glide on its wings

these dusty roads on the way to my heart

forever flowing these dreams like streams

sprout again from these stubs, hopes with the cholorphyl greens

oh how i desire the deep unknown seas

mystic nights and the foggy heart

these floating whites inside the soul

verdant valleys of love hidden under the scorching sun

again i fall, there are cracks in the heaven's floor

hurtling down to the muddy browns, deep azure's i leave you behind

three sixty five

one last time from two thousand ten
we walk out to the bend
looking down far below
so many miles in these three sixty five

the journey that looms
the sights unseen
hoping for sunrays and peace
wonder how many miles in the next three sixty five

miles and milestones

This morning the dashboard of my car moved to a new thousand. I have always, curiously, tried to watch the change of each thousand. So as I noted this new thousand, it got me thinking of how every few thousand life seems to change.

While the miles get burned on the day to day office & home route; in the hindsight the figurative distance covered in those to and fro miles is quite phenomenal.

First few thousands, they remind,

Of a young man uuntouched by cynicism,

in a hurry to chase unfounded dreams,

un-scared and unscathed by the unknown roads

Next few thousands spent with un-ease,

un-willing companions on the way,

a little fearful, a little lost,

longing for open highways, stuck in jams

right through the dust of jagged dirt roads,
on to the freedom roads of soul,

wizened by age and the thousands past,

just cruising onto horizons unseen

this thousand past and all I want

is a long open road,

many more thousands I wish to burn

and all I need is the company of me.

Part II- Blue nights of the stranger kind

Awakening with a start, I found myself quite lost and confounded, in the few long seconds it takes to awaken after waking up, the only echo, faint but distinct, in my head were the mystery words of the alm seeking horse; 'you are but not the first and you shall not be the last'.

As the clearing of senses pushed out the whispering echo, the predicament I faced became quite apparent, on my way to wonder land of sun and blue skies I had only managed to crash land into a land erily devoid of all I seeked, bathed in a strange greyish blue color now, trust this was day time.

How do you define the quandary of a man, who is equipped with an optimist mind, plagued with a pessimist heart and absolutely clueless soul? As I stood in this strange quandary, oscillating between thoughts of 'yeah lets get out of here', 'so this is what I get for what I dreamed' and 'maybe this is my true destination lets explore it'; knowing full well the origins of each strain, I waited for one of the three to wrestle out the others and give me a clear action item, like plan and action it, just despair and sulk, or be at peace and explore.

watching from afar

Sky was a strange amalgamation of fiery red interspersed with shades of blue and white. The wind it seemed to be picking up from where it left the leaves dancing and was bringing in a certain moist freshness, wafting through the wide expanses around.
The yellow flower on the bush and its almost hundred cousins lost in a world of their own, the golden yellow grasslands dancing to a tune getting played only in their ears and amidst this all with twinkling eyes and springing steps, a small boy strangely alone and unrestrained, seemed to be industriously occupied with a few disparate items doubling up as his toys.

His hope filled eyes every now and then glancing to the sinking ball in the sky, as if seeking a constant reconfirmation for some time still left to play. Kings and queens, wars and wins were running through the funny little game he had chosen to play, the innocence of an unscathed mind churning tales of joy and unabashed hope.
Unmindful, unperturbed by the closing darkness, soaking in the precious moments of joy , just so very lost in those moments.

a faraway land of endless games

of honey dripping fruits and wild flower smells

a nameless land of unspoilt youth

of endless spring days and innocent dreams

a wonder land of hope and succour

of guileless loves and unshackled hearts

Hand-to-heart, I am just a rhyme-less crash-landed-before take-off poet.

Sometimes I scribble, on a piece of paper or a notepad, some random thoughts, on the way I see perceive and react to life, my dreams and my realities, reflections on the days gone by & the life to come, of the people I meet and those I left behind, that's where this blog basically comes from.

I have a day job that doesn't give me long nights;  un-pretentious and honest people attract me like magnets; I am a one recipe for all cook who thrives on self praise; sometimes I get all tongue tied, which means either I almost love you or I find it disdainful to even talk to you; I have often caught myself saying 'awesome' when faced with a mirror; the one female who has ever loved me back is my car; I can be uncouth and smooth, awkward and at ease, sometimes even simultaneously; I laugh at myself; I strongly relate to Hesse's Siddhartha and his quest; and yes I don't take anything I say seriously, I have seen too many of my opinions change.

a note to july

My brain is clogged like a drain, the malarial parasite seems to have left some lingering after effects. In the month of july I seem to have crossed quite a milestone in life, not to mention a kind of deliverance.

Despite the long looking forward for the said event, the wistful and wishful thinking about how it would feel and how I would express my feelings to myself and to the world in general, the damn mosquito put paid to any immediate honest reactions getting recorded at all.

It is strange how routinely our relationships die and stranger how we sometimes carry the cross of there cadavers,long and far on this road of life. How we often in darker moods then tend to disect these cadavers, vandalize them, how we try to resurrect them in our minds to understand when and what brought the grim reaper of death. How we haul them around , sometimes as if by a morbid choice of our own and sometimes because of the morbid compulsions of life.When all we should be doing is walking on; letting the cadaver be right there at that crossroad, where it dropped dead, left to its own device to turn to dust.

I for one, in the past, have been often guilty of having hauled these remnants of some superficial and transient relationships  way past their expiry dates , on occasions because I am basically a dumb guy and this time because life made me drag it for quite some time.

Finally after a long, winding, treacherous and in a few ways a coming of age journey, this July, this cadaver too turned to dust and melted forever into the winds of time.Whew!

A bookmark:2.7.10

lest we forget our travails

a May gone by and so many may be's

 Yeah a lot of may be's this may, oh my shining bright sunny may, may you keep coming every month!