Lying on my bed, watching a small fading light bobbing around on the lake beyond the edge of my bed, I started wondering about life. Have been feeling non optimistic about life for a few days now, is it the year changing over or is it just the glumness of the weather, hard to say, perhaps both.
I love the word perhaps, it embodies the meaning of my life, an elegant lump of perhaps’s, interspersed by would have been’s. I wish I had that daughter or I wish I had left for the mountains or I wish I had the courage to disappear. But then I reconcile to this perhaps that I am living.
Looking back I seem to have forgotten why or how I ended up sleeping everynight by this lake for the last two years now. Perhaps it was love, or more likely naivety, it doesn’t matter anyway, it was a time I enjoyed.
Where will I go from here, now that this time is also closing up, I do not know. I am stressed by this not knowing, in my younger years, I would have been callous, however not knowing now brings this sense of overbearing heaviness in my heart.
Perhaps to an even better place I keep telling myself.
