Bright nights, dark truths

He started to think that he meant to her what she meant to him. But the way this universe works, what they mean to you is never the same as what you mean to them. But why did he forget this everytime. Such and many other questions kept hammering at the edges of his brain, mercilessly beating away at the last vestiges of sanity he was hoping to keep intact. Life had begun to fade, no one really cared, no one really listened, no one wanted him, they all just wanted to use him. Use for their purposes, in the name of various things, in sweet and caring garbs, but nevertheless he was just a useful fool at best. Under the sky full of stars, and a bright big moon, all the beauty of the night could do nothing to distract him from this truth that he could see. As a tear fell from his eye, he knew this life could not be lived anymore than it had already been lived. 

I don't feel any love for anyone anymore. I don't feel the faith in my god's anymore. I dont feel my strength or the will to hang on through to the end anymore. Its all fading, music of life, zest of my youth, flavors of the night, and the freshness of the mornings, it's all fading. Fading into a melanchony, a greyness, numbed with the reality of how no one really cares, all of my years and all of my life, gone without finding anyone who would really care. My mind feels injured, bloodied by the battles it has fought, there is no more blood in it to shed, there is no more fight in it to fight, tired, exhausted, alone, I am looking to give in, and sit and breathe. For a few days, or years or lifetimes maybe just sit and breathe. I want to go away, to a place, where no one knows anyone. Where you get real chances to live, where the pain goes away, someplace far, someplace no one knows, I got to go there and rest. 

Life keeps asking me, oh so you care about this? Sure, I will take that away then, is it my own karma or is this universe run by just a random set of events? Why do I not get a moment of togetherness, a shade of happiness, with those I want to? I got to go, I have waited too long, outlived my welcome, stood too long in the queue, looking for just a morsel of love, a small helping of care, or may be just a little sprinkle of companionship. I got to go now, this banquet is not for me, I feel full without eating. 

There is a place I am told, in between lives, in between the clouds, enveloped by peace, where there is no time and there is no judgement, there is this place I am told, where you could spend more than many lifetimes, I got to get there, I need a map, a plan, an exit.