How often can you get a time in your life, when there is no objective for thoughts, no end in mind, no pressing depressions and more importantly you kind off relish such a period.
Such periods come seldom in one's life. these days I am in this perfect week or so to vegetate. I dont even need to think about any specifics, so I have conciously let go of my worry hat and future mongering. Result is that I am strolling at leisure through the labyrinths of what ever my sub concious pops into my mind.
I am completely enjoying it.
I have thought about my aspirations(mostly sky high in every aspect). But this is more of a time when I am tending to kind off come up with a score board of my present vis a vis my aspirations.
Needless to say, that the score is pathetic the statistics would have almost depressed me at most times, but that is where this period is so special. I dont really seem to take to heart anything, I am levitating, knowing the reality but neverthless not getting bogged down by it.
I am still not even close to contentment,but still I am not worried, guess it is in simple language called maturity? but you would understand my wonder, if you knew how thoroughly immature I am always at managing my aspirations.
But all this seeming stagnation in my movement towards my aspirations, hardly seem to bring the usual bout of restless depression.
May be I am just getting old and more and more reconciled to this stagnation, but the moment this thought comes in my mind, I know its incorrect, because I havent reconciled or given up at all. So what should I attribute my behavior too?
I think it is maturity; but that word itself terrifies me, 'cause hundreds of times I have been told I am immature by people who dont understand my aspirations. So to say that I am maturing is to in effect acquiesce to the fact that my aspirations are all anyways unrealistic. Which again is such an incorrect inference, that I almost typed incorrect in capital letters.
SO this is the quandry I am in, wonder wonder and wonder what is it that has changed in me as a person, something has for sure. But I cant really put a finger on it yet.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.
-----Soul beetle----
In what can only best be described, as a chance meeting; I ran into my soul beetle yesterday.
The doleful creature expectedly was flying drunk and numb around, I almost had to restrain my tongue from shouting; incarcerate that bug for drunken flying. But then logic got the better of me, after all in this dog eat dog world there ain't much chance of the air being crowded with soul beetles.
It happens between us, each time we have these chance encounters, we indulge in a lot of soul talk, about many things; destiny and karma; decadence and nirvana; and many more of these seemingly mystical 'things/words/concepts' we get to hear every now and then. Somehow each of these meeting's typically end on a mutually abusive and explicitly sarcastic note. Each accusing the other of 'pontification' or 'selling out'.
If I was Cinderella and this life was under that before midnight spell, me and my soul beetle might just have cohabited in peace.
The doleful creature expectedly was flying drunk and numb around, I almost had to restrain my tongue from shouting; incarcerate that bug for drunken flying. But then logic got the better of me, after all in this dog eat dog world there ain't much chance of the air being crowded with soul beetles.
It happens between us, each time we have these chance encounters, we indulge in a lot of soul talk, about many things; destiny and karma; decadence and nirvana; and many more of these seemingly mystical 'things/words/concepts' we get to hear every now and then. Somehow each of these meeting's typically end on a mutually abusive and explicitly sarcastic note. Each accusing the other of 'pontification' or 'selling out'.
If I was Cinderella and this life was under that before midnight spell, me and my soul beetle might just have cohabited in peace.
---Questions---
What defines a man and the myriad thoughts, dreams and fantasies that our heart and mind conjure?
How do you put in words, these quintessential, albeit disparate longings that this heart is perpetually plagued with?
What do I call these seasons of hope interspersed with autumns of despair?
How do I define the ' search', the one that's always there like a subtle background color on my life's canvas?
Where do I head to, what do I turn to, from the crossroad?
Deliverance, is it you I seek?
Contentment, unto where shalt I pursue you?
Questions, profound and abstruse, hang in this very air I breathe.
How do you put in words, these quintessential, albeit disparate longings that this heart is perpetually plagued with?
What do I call these seasons of hope interspersed with autumns of despair?
How do I define the ' search', the one that's always there like a subtle background color on my life's canvas?
Where do I head to, what do I turn to, from the crossroad?
Deliverance, is it you I seek?
Contentment, unto where shalt I pursue you?
Questions, profound and abstruse, hang in this very air I breathe.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
adding sunshine
Something just made me smile and wonder, if I am actually just a sulking, morose human trying to disguise my blatant pessimism as a profound take on life and behaving (rather writing) as if I have seen it all and been there before them all.
Life is a lesson we all claim to learn but never really even begin to learn, I know I am pretentious at times, pretentious and ostentatious about my cynicism for life :)
but amidst all the tall words and 'I give two hoots about' attitude to life , is actually a very simple man, who just seeks contentment of heart and mind.
And the day I find it, the pinks and yellows shall blossom in my writing, after all my writing definitely does come straight from my heart ;)
Life is a lesson we all claim to learn but never really even begin to learn, I know I am pretentious at times, pretentious and ostentatious about my cynicism for life :)
but amidst all the tall words and 'I give two hoots about' attitude to life , is actually a very simple man, who just seeks contentment of heart and mind.
And the day I find it, the pinks and yellows shall blossom in my writing, after all my writing definitely does come straight from my heart ;)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
rantings on a looney afternoon
I am looking for something to believe in
the gods?
the occult?
the philosophers?
the preachers?
me?
guess I need a new something to believe in
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Saw the dream yesterday again
the dream i used to see awake
came back in sleep
Saw the angel
in all its glory
and saw the beast that beat the angel
the bruised angel shall never tread
the path again
the beast will wait
with watery eyes on the path
never would this world comprehend
there were two loves
one angelic and perfect
the other beastic and cruel
but both were loves nevertheless
------------------------------------------------------------------------
can i touch it
i wonder
can it feel my touch
i wonder
is there a way to reach the unreachable
is there a way to cross the chasm between
oh dreams, re-enforce my helplessness
oh dreams, re-kindle my rancor
oh dreams, re-wind the same old dream
why do i dream so many dreams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
if only life could be lived the way you want
i would have long renounced everything
and got lost searching for myself
in some far away land
i wish there was peace
i wish i was content
i wish i was a saint
i wish i was lucky
i wish i was a savant
i wish i was a stoic
i wish i was heartless
i wish..
the gods?
the occult?
the philosophers?
the preachers?
me?
guess I need a new something to believe in
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Saw the dream yesterday again
the dream i used to see awake
came back in sleep
Saw the angel
in all its glory
and saw the beast that beat the angel
the bruised angel shall never tread
the path again
the beast will wait
with watery eyes on the path
never would this world comprehend
there were two loves
one angelic and perfect
the other beastic and cruel
but both were loves nevertheless
------------------------------------------------------------------------
can i touch it
i wonder
can it feel my touch
i wonder
is there a way to reach the unreachable
is there a way to cross the chasm between
oh dreams, re-enforce my helplessness
oh dreams, re-kindle my rancor
oh dreams, re-wind the same old dream
why do i dream so many dreams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
if only life could be lived the way you want
i would have long renounced everything
and got lost searching for myself
in some far away land
i wish there was peace
i wish i was content
i wish i was a saint
i wish i was lucky
i wish i was a savant
i wish i was a stoic
i wish i was heartless
i wish..
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
......__.......
Time flies away, it was almost 15 months ago that I started to scribble down my thoughts, it was a means to let out a lot of things that till then had been confined within and also it was a certain 'growing up' I observed in my own thoughts and feelings, I felt at ease with myself, was finally not expecting/judging/questioning myself endlessly.
That I feel was an outcome of me getting drawn more and more into nature and its beauty. I suddenly found that while I was roaming alone somewhere, instead of feeling alone or morose, an inner me was feeling joyous, thoughtful and relaxed. This I guess triggered me to write, after a few months of sribbling on paper, I was afraid that all the things I was thinking , feeling and trying to put into words would get lost with time. So the next thing was to put up a blog and transfer my thoughts here, however still the blog was more of a personal diary, out of bounds for anyone, not to be shared, not to be discussed. Over the last year, every once in a while I wrote something or the other here.
Now, as I read my own posts, I am touched just by knowing and being reminded of what I felt at a particular moment an year ago in my life. Needless to say it also reminds of physical things that triggered the thoughts in the first place.
This blog shall remain personal always, but ya I think I would share it with some now, people who know me well and would not judge or form opinions about it, because that is the whole objective of this blog, a personal scrap board of thoughts, neither to be judged nor to be made fun of, neither a life's story nor a frustration release valve, neither reflecting actual incidences nor factual in any way.Its just imagination and feelings at play, as sudden and experiential as say a sudden breeze, when you are basking in the yellow sun on a cold winter morning.
That I feel was an outcome of me getting drawn more and more into nature and its beauty. I suddenly found that while I was roaming alone somewhere, instead of feeling alone or morose, an inner me was feeling joyous, thoughtful and relaxed. This I guess triggered me to write, after a few months of sribbling on paper, I was afraid that all the things I was thinking , feeling and trying to put into words would get lost with time. So the next thing was to put up a blog and transfer my thoughts here, however still the blog was more of a personal diary, out of bounds for anyone, not to be shared, not to be discussed. Over the last year, every once in a while I wrote something or the other here.
Now, as I read my own posts, I am touched just by knowing and being reminded of what I felt at a particular moment an year ago in my life. Needless to say it also reminds of physical things that triggered the thoughts in the first place.
This blog shall remain personal always, but ya I think I would share it with some now, people who know me well and would not judge or form opinions about it, because that is the whole objective of this blog, a personal scrap board of thoughts, neither to be judged nor to be made fun of, neither a life's story nor a frustration release valve, neither reflecting actual incidences nor factual in any way.Its just imagination and feelings at play, as sudden and experiential as say a sudden breeze, when you are basking in the yellow sun on a cold winter morning.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
warm sparkle
Amidst the mediocrity of everyday life, there are some people who so touch you by an un-obvious sparkle that for a few moments as you bask in the brilliance of their light; the beauty of life itself becomes apparent. Even if for a moment, but the glimpse of this beauty, converts one into a believer.
Since this is such an effervescent experience, before we know, the traces of such moments disappear and only an after glow lingers.
Sometimes the aftermath of such an encounter/experience is complete despondence, a feeling of never being able to feel that warm sparkle again, of knowing that life is forever a drudgery and sometimes it is Utopian optimism, making us believe that in this maze of life, you can once again without warning encounter that warm sparkle, maybe in a different form, but again.
And so often, it is this mystery of life, these unknown possibilities, this experiential upliftment into a realm where you for once believe in the ultimate ethereal beauty of life, that is the ambrosia of our soul.
So is this warm sparkle really a person specific experience, to me the warm sparkle transcends individuals, it is a feeling which theoretically may be experienced upon meeting any person any time. Though in life as we know it, these warm sparkles happen precious few times, may be once, twice or may be never. May be it happened already, may be its around the corner, maybe its happening right now, this I guess is the eternal mystery and the edge of life.
even as the moonlight sleeps on the leaves of trees
and the languid wind caresses the dark night;
i am lost in the light of a warm sparkle
that comes through my memory;
the heart is blithe & the thoughts are warm
i marvel about this road of life
full of wonders and sights;
like a mystic in search of the unknown
as i walk down i know;
some where again i will find
on a turn unbeknownst ;
that warm sparkle again
Since this is such an effervescent experience, before we know, the traces of such moments disappear and only an after glow lingers.
Sometimes the aftermath of such an encounter/experience is complete despondence, a feeling of never being able to feel that warm sparkle again, of knowing that life is forever a drudgery and sometimes it is Utopian optimism, making us believe that in this maze of life, you can once again without warning encounter that warm sparkle, maybe in a different form, but again.
And so often, it is this mystery of life, these unknown possibilities, this experiential upliftment into a realm where you for once believe in the ultimate ethereal beauty of life, that is the ambrosia of our soul.
So is this warm sparkle really a person specific experience, to me the warm sparkle transcends individuals, it is a feeling which theoretically may be experienced upon meeting any person any time. Though in life as we know it, these warm sparkles happen precious few times, may be once, twice or may be never. May be it happened already, may be its around the corner, maybe its happening right now, this I guess is the eternal mystery and the edge of life.
even as the moonlight sleeps on the leaves of trees
and the languid wind caresses the dark night;
i am lost in the light of a warm sparkle
that comes through my memory;
the heart is blithe & the thoughts are warm
i marvel about this road of life
full of wonders and sights;
like a mystic in search of the unknown
as i walk down i know;
some where again i will find
on a turn unbeknownst ;
that warm sparkle again
Friday, February 8, 2008
time's i want to fly away
some evenings, as i twiddle my thumbs
in the yellow black cab
the sun, it takes a one last yawn
before settling to sleep in the sea of clouds
for a moment the world turns red and the wind picks up
and I want to spread my arms and fly away
years ago, when the train rumbled on in the coal black night
with me standing, on the door ajar
some times it would come, a lonely river
in midst of the grumble of bridge meeting its old friend train
the river it would smile on me, with moonlit eyes
in those moments of eternal peace
I wanted to spread my arms and fly away
Some nights alone
when I watch for stars
and a distant crooning rings in my ears
its gilmour wondering 'do they still meet there by the cut'
I just want to spread my arms and fly away
in the yellow black cab
the sun, it takes a one last yawn
before settling to sleep in the sea of clouds
for a moment the world turns red and the wind picks up
and I want to spread my arms and fly away
years ago, when the train rumbled on in the coal black night
with me standing, on the door ajar
some times it would come, a lonely river
in midst of the grumble of bridge meeting its old friend train
the river it would smile on me, with moonlit eyes
in those moments of eternal peace
I wanted to spread my arms and fly away
Some nights alone
when I watch for stars
and a distant crooning rings in my ears
its gilmour wondering 'do they still meet there by the cut'
I just want to spread my arms and fly away
Thursday, January 31, 2008
No.. not this time either
do i smile once more on your naivety my dream
or do i grimace at this melancholy
do i stare unblinking into the sun
or do i pretend its the moon instead
do i look into your eyes deep and accept how near yet how far
or do i just close my eyes and dream on
do i let myself feel the warmth of your presence
or do i let the cold of life make me shiver
all imaginary questions i know, my oasis
but you won't ever know how it feels
these endless years in the desert
only to find my oasis was just a mirage
or do i grimace at this melancholy
do i stare unblinking into the sun
or do i pretend its the moon instead
do i look into your eyes deep and accept how near yet how far
or do i just close my eyes and dream on
do i let myself feel the warmth of your presence
or do i let the cold of life make me shiver
all imaginary questions i know, my oasis
but you won't ever know how it feels
these endless years in the desert
only to find my oasis was just a mirage
Saturday, January 26, 2008
confessions
even though in my waking hours I will always deny, I know I am ashamed of how old how soon I have become.
I hide , I lie and I do it so many times , that the lie becomes a truth to me. Sweet lord, I wish a honest life I could lead, a truthful tale that I could tell , and not become a man who fears the image in his mirror. Alas I become the same each passing day.
I hide , I lie and I do it so many times , that the lie becomes a truth to me. Sweet lord, I wish a honest life I could lead, a truthful tale that I could tell , and not become a man who fears the image in his mirror. Alas I become the same each passing day.
may be this time
this evening i felt the breeze
i saw the beauty of the setting sun
i saw the world in its orange light
i felt the warmth of my own true smile
i stood still and my heart orbited the distant moon
fluttering its wings & gliding into the greying blue sky
i saw myself beside the road
without a care for the rushing world
a glint in the eye and arms open wide
smiling back at me, for no reason or rhyme
i felt the moments come and stop
each second was a lifetimes worth
as the sky grew dark
i saw the sun moon and stars
frozen in time i fear the thaw
sure as winter follows the summer
so will these moments soon go by
like sand it slips from my very hand
can i not hold on to a single grain?
or maybe this time
oh maybe this time
i saw the beauty of the setting sun
i saw the world in its orange light
i felt the warmth of my own true smile
i stood still and my heart orbited the distant moon
fluttering its wings & gliding into the greying blue sky
i saw myself beside the road
without a care for the rushing world
a glint in the eye and arms open wide
smiling back at me, for no reason or rhyme
i felt the moments come and stop
each second was a lifetimes worth
as the sky grew dark
i saw the sun moon and stars
frozen in time i fear the thaw
sure as winter follows the summer
so will these moments soon go by
like sand it slips from my very hand
can i not hold on to a single grain?
or maybe this time
oh maybe this time
Thursday, January 24, 2008
ode to an oasis
This poison i drink
like sweet wine
a half promise
more than half sometimes
...stranger i thank your lonely glance
neither is this about finding nor is it about loosing, just a fragrant breeze in life. This oasis i stumble upon, as my parched eyes begin to droop from the weight of those infinite, endless, ravenous searches; across the horizon, for that far away dreamed of verdant land.
an ode i struggle to write for my beautiful oasis, for words they fail to describe the sight that beholds the vagabond's eye.
another crossroad in life, another bend on the road uphill, which makes me want to stay forever in its virginal warmth.
soak in the moments while they last
no desire, no despair, no longing, no greed
just the thirsty me & my serendipitous oasis
like sweet wine
a half promise
more than half sometimes
...stranger i thank your lonely glance
neither is this about finding nor is it about loosing, just a fragrant breeze in life. This oasis i stumble upon, as my parched eyes begin to droop from the weight of those infinite, endless, ravenous searches; across the horizon, for that far away dreamed of verdant land.
an ode i struggle to write for my beautiful oasis, for words they fail to describe the sight that beholds the vagabond's eye.
another crossroad in life, another bend on the road uphill, which makes me want to stay forever in its virginal warmth.
soak in the moments while they last
no desire, no despair, no longing, no greed
just the thirsty me & my serendipitous oasis
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